Why You're Still Unloved, Unhappy, and Attracting the Wrong People
Why do you keep choosing the wrong people, feeling unloved, or failing to find the connection you crave? In this emotional and raw episode of Your Ultimate Life, guest Anil Gupta—known globally as The Love Doctor—reveals the hidden reasons most people are stuck in pain, loneliness, or toxic relationship cycles… and how to fix it, fast.
Anil shares his own story of suicidal despair, how a moment of truth from his wife changed everything, and why forgiveness, integrity, and self-love are the starting points for every healing journey.
Whether you’re single, in a struggling relationship, or just tired of feeling unworthy of love, this episode is the wake-up call—and the roadmap—you’ve been waiting for.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why most people attract toxic or unhealthy relationships.
✔️ The 3 traits to demand in a partner: Integrity, Loving, and Healthy.
✔️ How to stop being a “rescuer” and break codependency patterns.
✔️ A practical process to start forgiving yourself and releasing shame.
Who is Anil Gupta?
Mindset & Relationship Coach: Anil specializes in helping individuals and couples overcome personal and relationship challenges. His focus is on gratitude, forgiveness, and living with intention.
Author of Immediate Happiness: His bestselling book offers simple yet powerful tools to help people experience deep happiness and fulfillment without external changes.
TEDx Speaker & International Thought Leader: Anil has delivered TEDx talks and shared stages with figures like Richard Branson, Robin Sharma, and Tony Robbins. His message often centers on the idea that “Happiness is a choice, not a result.”
Founder of The Happiness Formula: A framework he developed to help people gain clarity, connection, and confidence by letting go of blame, shame, and resentment.
✅ Next Steps for You:
🔥 Visit Anil Gupta’s website for free tools: https://www.meetanil.com
📘 Check out his books, videos, and events on self-love & relationship mastery
🎯 Join the Dream, Build, Write It Challenge – Starts June 2!
👉 Register FREE: www.dreambuildwriteit.com
💬 Want to be featured or work with Kellan?
👉 https://www.yourultimatelifepodcast.com/contact
🌎 Explore Kellan’s books & coaching: https://kellanfluckigermedia.com
#ToxicRelationships #SelfLoveJourney #EmotionalHealing #AnilGupta #KellanFluckiger #YourUltimateLife
Transcript
Welcome to the show.
Speaker A:Tired of the hype about living a dream?
Speaker A:It's time for truth.
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Speaker A:You have infinite power.
Speaker A:Hello, and welcome to your ultimate life, the podcast that I invented just to help you create a life of purpose, prosperity and joy with what you have, your skills, your gifts, and your life experience.
Speaker A:I'm excited today to have a special guest, Anil Gupta, who's coming to us from the Far east or Near East.
Speaker A:No, Far East.
Speaker A:And with us today.
Speaker A:Anil, welcome to the show.
Speaker B:Hey, Kevin, thank you for inviting me.
Speaker B:Excited to be here.
Speaker A:I am so stoked.
Speaker A:I enjoyed our pre convo about what you do, and I remembered then our conversation from before, which was a few months ago.
Speaker A:So I'm going to start with just an interesting question because I know the answer, or at least I know some of the answer.
Speaker A:But I don't want you to be bashful or modest at all.
Speaker A:I just want you to tell me, tell me how Anil adds good to the world.
Speaker B:You know, Ken and I have a unique ability to remove obstacles that are preventing people from receiving and giving love to the people that they really want to in a very, very short time period.
Speaker B:And it's a beautiful process.
Speaker B:And people need it.
Speaker B:They really need it because people are suffering unnecessarily.
Speaker B:They don't have the tools, the communication skills or the methodology or system to allow them to be able to do that.
Speaker B:They were never given a manual, and I'm the guy that gives them the.
Speaker A:Manual, the love manual.
Speaker A:You give me a system and communication tools, and those are processes, I'm sure, without even asking, but I'm asking that there's more than communication and so forth.
Speaker A:It's the want to.
Speaker A:You said you help people give and receive love from people they want to.
Speaker A:So there's a.
Speaker A:There's a spiritual and heart piece to this.
Speaker A:Is that true?
Speaker A:Tell me a little about that.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:You know, because people are disconnected from their relatives, from their spouses, from their children, from themselves even.
Speaker B:And they've never being able to, or no one's being able to guide them onto a journey that will allow them to have even more love.
Speaker B:Their capacity to love and be loved increases.
Speaker B:And guess what?
Speaker B:Because they can do that, their vibrational energy changes.
Speaker B:They'll make more money, they'll make a bigger impact.
Speaker B:They'll be happier, they'll be more fulfilled.
Speaker B:And I think it's a fundamental key in living a richer, fuller, happy life.
Speaker A:So you're telling me, and I happen to believe you, but I'm going to restate it.
Speaker A:If I learn the emotional, spiritual and communication skills and secrets, as it were, to give and receive love, I live better, I have more fun, I make more money, I make a bigger impact, and I unlock a joyous mode or path through life that I didn't have before.
Speaker B:You know, you've said it so beautifully, and, you know, life becomes a lot easier to handle.
Speaker B:We, we don't get reactive.
Speaker B:We, we don't get, you know, we don't let obstacles destroy our lives because we, we're ready for it.
Speaker B:We have the tools.
Speaker B:It's like when you're driving, you're not thinking, oh, someone's going to jump in front of me.
Speaker B:Oh, that's going to happen.
Speaker B:That's going to happen.
Speaker B:You've done it before, so you know that whatever happens, you'll handle it.
Speaker B:So it's the same with life.
Speaker B:We, we weren't given those driving skills, those life skills to allow us to handle whatever life throws at us.
Speaker A:You're right.
Speaker A:But, but I think about an infant.
Speaker A:You know, you're born kind of without baggage and without garbage.
Speaker A:You're born kind of pure and innocent.
Speaker A:And in various, certainly Christian, but in other religious traditions, they talk about becoming as a little child.
Speaker A:And it doesn't mean naive, but it doesn't mean open, curious, loving and all the rest.
Speaker A:What is it about our world that contaminates us so badly that we then have to relearn our ability to just do the most basic food of the spirit, which is love?
Speaker B:You know, that's a great question.
Speaker B:And I have my theory.
Speaker B:Well, I want it.
Speaker B:I have a, I have a grandson, and he probably gets 500 kisses a day.
Speaker B:You know, he's one year old, one year, two months now.
Speaker B:He's going to continue to get those kisses, but one day he's going to go to school, and then he'll go to school, and then all of a sudden those kisses are reduced to maybe 100 a day.
Speaker B:And then one day he will do something that annoys the parents and they will scold him.
Speaker B:And he thinks, oh, my parents don't love me.
Speaker B:I have to do something to please them.
Speaker B:And that's where things start to change.
Speaker B:Because the parents expect the child to behave.
Speaker B:They expect the child to do certain things.
Speaker B:And when they, when the expectations start, that's when the problems start.
Speaker B:Because the child doesn't feel they're good enough.
Speaker B:They don't belong.
Speaker B:There's something wrong with them.
Speaker B:They have to do something to make them feel loved, and it shouldn't be that way.
Speaker A:Does it make us.
Speaker A:Are you saying that it makes us sort of feel like we have to earn love?
Speaker A:We have to be or say or do or behave a certain way before we can have love?
Speaker B:You know, it becomes that way.
Speaker B:And it could be acting out, or if you suddenly act out and you get attention, you think, oh, this is great.
Speaker B:It could be by, you know, performing tasks.
Speaker B:It could be by excelling at school, at sports, or doing something.
Speaker B:And all of a sudden, oh, that I.
Speaker B:I better keep on doing that.
Speaker B:So there's.
Speaker B:There's a lot of fear around that.
Speaker B:But if you were constantly giving your child love and they felt love, that he wouldn't have to do anything in order to receive love.
Speaker B:And then they don't have to worry about being loved, being good enough, not.
Speaker B:Not belonging.
Speaker B:And everyone enjoys life.
Speaker B:You know, I remember when my son was young, I would.
Speaker B:And in being in the Indian community, we're very highly strung around education.
Speaker B:And he.
Speaker B:He wasn't doing so well.
Speaker B:So I got him a tutor, and it still wasn't doing well.
Speaker B:And I thought, why am I doing this?
Speaker B:Because I was so concerned what other people were thinking around my community.
Speaker B:And I thought, I'm not doing it for him.
Speaker B:I'm doing it for me because I'm so concerned what other people are thinking.
Speaker B:So I said to him, son, we're going to stop the tutoring.
Speaker B:And he said, dad, why is it.
Speaker B:And he.
Speaker B:Do you enjoy?
Speaker B:Said, no, Dad, I really don't like it.
Speaker B:I said, okay, well, stop it.
Speaker B:And then guess what, Helen?
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He flourished.
Speaker B:We just have to be patient with our kids.
Speaker B:You know, when they're born, we say to ourselves, I'll do anything for you.
Speaker B:I'll protect you.
Speaker B:I'll keep you safe.
Speaker B:And the child doesn't do anything.
Speaker B:It just lies there.
Speaker B:But it's surrounded by so much love, and it gives so much love, but it gets transactional later on.
Speaker B:And, Kelly, you know, the most painful thing is when you pick up your child from school, they don't even want to see you.
Speaker B:They don't want to hold your hand.
Speaker B:They don't want to be in your vicinity.
Speaker B:That is so painful.
Speaker B:It happens all the time.
Speaker A:You know, I know there's a part of growing up where every kid needs to figure out their own identity and test boundaries and all that sort of stuff, and that's natural.
Speaker A:But what you're saying is in our effort to educate or prepare a child for meeting the world, as it were, instead of having a safe place where they're unconditionally accepted and there have to be boundaries on behavior.
Speaker A:I get that.
Speaker A:But somehow we.
Speaker A:Either because that happened to us or because we can't think of a better way or something, something we.
Speaker A:We use a tool that feels a lot like, or actually is withholding love, so that it becomes transactional, conditional.
Speaker A:And then you enter into this whole thing of feeling like you have to earn your place in the world.
Speaker A:Is that what you're telling me?
Speaker B:And yeah.
Speaker B:And, you know, we've been hypnotized into that.
Speaker B:We've never been educated.
Speaker B:And I.
Speaker B:And I tell parents the greatest gift you can give your kids is this.
Speaker B:Give them the ability to handle life by throwing adversity at them that they can reasonably handle.
Speaker B:But parents don't do that.
Speaker B:They're very protective, especially when in our age group, we're very successful.
Speaker B:So when our kids were born, we didn't want them to go through the adversity we went through.
Speaker B:So we tend to make life easy for them.
Speaker B:But that's the worst thing you can do.
Speaker B:It's the worst thing you can do.
Speaker A:So how do you get somebody to a parent and a parent with a kid that's, I don't know, between 1 and 10 or 15 or something, and I realize the strategies are different with different ages, but how do you get them to both understand the principle of allowing adversity and, you know, letting the kids struggle with.
Speaker A:With things to learn in preparation for life, not, not creating negative things, but allowing life to just sort of do what it does and you be there to love and support, but allow them to do what it is.
Speaker A:How do you get them to understand that when, you know, the tendency is to be, you know, helicopter parents kind of thing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And you can curate and create it.
Speaker B:So, for example, if, say, your child is three years old, you take him 200 yards from home and you ask him to guide you home.
Speaker B:Then 400 yards from home, guide you home.
Speaker B:500 yards from home, guide you home.
Speaker B:You know, a thousand yards from home, guide you home.
Speaker B:And if they get.
Speaker B:If they make a mistake, you coach them and guide them.
Speaker B:Say, hey, do you remember we live near that church?
Speaker B:If any time you get lost, just remember where that church is.
Speaker B:Or if you need to ask someone, say, hi, I live by a big church.
Speaker B:So you have to throw adversity at them and they can reasonably handle if they fall down, don't Rush to pick them up.
Speaker B:And Kellen, if you look at the languaging that parents use, they say, oh, don't do that.
Speaker B:It's too dangerous.
Speaker B:You'll fall down, you'll hurt yourself.
Speaker B:And you can repeating it all the time.
Speaker B:I've heard people say that six or seven times in two minutes.
Speaker B:And what do you think the child is thinking?
Speaker B:Oh, it's too dangerous, I better be careful, I'm going to hurt myself.
Speaker B:It's the wrong signals to send them.
Speaker B:Let them hurt themselves.
Speaker A:You know, I, I actually agree with you 100%.
Speaker A:When I was growing up, I mean, we took off from home and we were down by a large creek which ran by the house, which was flood control creek, but we didn't know there was always a little bit of water in the bottom of it running, unless it rained a lot, in which case it was a lot of water in it running.
Speaker A:And we went down there and hunted frogs and got in the mud and, you know, did whatever and climbed fences and trees and, you know, got dented and scratched and stuff like that.
Speaker A:And that is almost not only taboo, but looked down on in terms of a little bit of what you're talking about.
Speaker B:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker B:And, you know, we used to experiment.
Speaker B:You know, we'd go down to the, to the river.
Speaker B:We catch fish in a glass bottle.
Speaker B:We'd make our own fishing rods out of bamboo sticks.
Speaker B:But kids, you know, they don't do that sort of stuff.
Speaker B:They don't get out there, they don't get dirty, they don't get hurt.
Speaker B:We kept in safe confines and kids need to do that.
Speaker B:They need to stick, think outside of the box, you know, let their minds expand.
Speaker A:So I love that.
Speaker A:And you're right, I want to get back to the love piece, which is the central theme of your contribution to the world.
Speaker A:And I, I, I love it because I'm sitting here imagining if one person, like, if you help me give and receive love more freely, eliminate barriers to that, eliminate stories and those kinds of things, the world, the world will be a better place because then I'll affect some people around me, and so will they.
Speaker A:And if you help ten or a thousand or a million people connect with the truth of love, their ability to receive it, to language it, to demonstrate it, you know, you're going to have a huge or are having a huge impact in the world in terms of reducing suffering, making people happier, and a whole list of things that I could go on and on about.
Speaker A:So tell me what you do now to help that happen or if the.
Speaker A:That.
Speaker A:That I didn't.
Speaker A:That I described isn't right, fix it.
Speaker A:But tell me how you do that.
Speaker B:It's really.
Speaker B:And you know, as a coach, the number one thing is to listen.
Speaker B:But one of the top things that you can do is to forgive.
Speaker B:You forgive yourself and to forgive others.
Speaker B:People tend to hold on and it starts to eat them up, and, you know, they fall ill.
Speaker B:So I, I call forgiveness the express pathway to freedom.
Speaker B:The quality of your life is dependent on the depth and authenticity of the forgiveness you extend to yourself and to others.
Speaker B:Then, you know, we, we talk about languaging, letting go of the past.
Speaker B:It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Speaker B:And, and, you know, can a lot of people have problems with their parents?
Speaker B:They, they're not grateful.
Speaker B:They.
Speaker B:They're complaining about their parents.
Speaker B:And I explain them, and I'll explain this very simply.
Speaker B:I said, look, there's two parts to your parents.
Speaker B:There's a part that gave you life, the beautiful gift of life that they gave you.
Speaker B:The other part to them is their behavior.
Speaker B:You don't have to love their behavior, but you can love them as, as, you know, your seed.
Speaker B:And they, they.
Speaker B:They don't understand that at first, but when you explain it and we, we go a little bit deeper.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, you know, my dad was an alcoholic.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:You know, don't like the alcoholic side of it, but he gave you life.
Speaker B:You wouldn't be here.
Speaker B:You've got a beautiful wife and you've got three kids.
Speaker B:None of those people would be in your life without your dad.
Speaker B:And you're going to have grandchildren, great grandchildren.
Speaker B:They wouldn't be here without your dad.
Speaker B:And they, Ellen, they tear up and they realize, oh, my God.
Speaker B:And you know what?
Speaker B:If your kids turned around and said that to you, how would you feel?
Speaker B:And then say, well, I'm trying to do my best.
Speaker B:You know, it's.
Speaker B:It stems from awareness.
Speaker B:People don't have the awareness.
Speaker A:So, you know, the depth and power of what you do and work on.
Speaker A:We could have a whole day seminar.
Speaker A:And so our, our challenge and fun is going to be pulling out some really important things.
Speaker A:You just talked a little bit about forgiveness, and I couldn't agree with you any more than I do.
Speaker A:I wrote a book called Forgiveness A Journey of Courage to a Place of Freedom and Power.
Speaker A:And I wrote it exactly for the reason that you described.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:Because it is that and because I needed.
Speaker A:I mean, I've written a bunch of books, but every one of them's been Because I needed to do this thing.
Speaker A:And when I got done, I thought that might help somebody, so I wrote about it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And, and I love that you described it.
Speaker A:Why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?
Speaker A:Which at least for me, was way harder than forgiving other people.
Speaker A:Why is that so hard?
Speaker B:You know, as human beings, we feel we're not good enough, we're not smart enough, there's something wrong with us.
Speaker B:I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy.
Speaker B:And as human beings, we love to be right.
Speaker B:And, and especially if you're successful, you love to be right about being right.
Speaker B:So what you'll do, you'll find evidence.
Speaker B:Oh, I'm not good enough.
Speaker B:Oh, I did that.
Speaker B:Oh, that was so stupid.
Speaker B:Oh, that was so stupid.
Speaker B:And then you create stories to fulfill that thought process.
Speaker B:And forgiveness is nothing to do with anybody else.
Speaker B:It's you just letting go.
Speaker B:People don't realize the most expensive real estate in the world is in between their ears.
Speaker B:Yet they, they.
Speaker B:They rent out space to people that they think have hurt them.
Speaker B:And those people don't even care.
Speaker B:So it's ludicrous, but they just don't know how to.
Speaker B:And they don't know the benefit of them.
Speaker B:And there's a benefit of the benefit of the benefit of the benefit, and it's freedom.
Speaker A:So I'm going to dive in and I'm going to ask, I'm going to say something.
Speaker A:I'm going to ask you the question.
Speaker A:So how does you know?
Speaker A:If you could teach me and the listeners how to forgive ourselves, or at least a beginning set of steps to take to think about.
Speaker A:Because you're right.
Speaker A:We rent space in our heads for others, and we carry space in our head for our own recrimination.
Speaker A:I define forgiveness as.
Speaker A:And I love that you said it's just you.
Speaker A:It doesn't have anything to do with anybody else.
Speaker A:I say it this way.
Speaker A:Forgiveness is choosing to no longer allow events from the past to have power in the present.
Speaker A:And that's how I describe that.
Speaker A:But I want you to teach us how.
Speaker A:Do you start with someone who is carrying shame and guilt toward themselves?
Speaker A:Now I realize it could be someone else or parents or uncle or somebody that did whatever they did.
Speaker A:But let's just start with self.
Speaker A:So if someone has made a lot of mistakes and done things that in retrospect they look back and say, I had.
Speaker A:Wish I hadn't done that.
Speaker A:And if I hadn't done that, then, if only, then this and this.
Speaker A:And they make up stories about what would have happened, which they don't know.
Speaker A:But how do you.
Speaker A:How do you help me start on that?
Speaker B:So I ask you a simple question.
Speaker B:What are your positive traits?
Speaker B:And they'll say, well, I'm kind.
Speaker B:Okay, great.
Speaker B:What else do you know?
Speaker B:I'm kind.
Speaker B:I'm generous.
Speaker B:I'm playful and fun.
Speaker B:I really care.
Speaker B:I'm loyal, I'm reliable.
Speaker B:I'm trustworthy.
Speaker B:I'm honest.
Speaker B:I'm strong.
Speaker B:I'm powerful.
Speaker B:I thoughtful.
Speaker B:I'm smart.
Speaker B:I care about people.
Speaker B:I want to help people.
Speaker B:I hardworking, I'm religious.
Speaker B:I'm unstoppable, successful, playful, exciting.
Speaker B:A great human being.
Speaker B:So that's a great.
Speaker B:So then I say, look, imagine you go into a dark room late at night.
Speaker B:What's the first thing you do?
Speaker B:So, well, I put on the light, right?
Speaker B:But I said, look, most people in life, they try and remove the darkness from their lives.
Speaker B:They focus on the negatives and they try and remove those.
Speaker B:And it's ludicrous to go into a dark room and remove the darkness.
Speaker B:You have to be the light.
Speaker B:So then I tell people to repeat those cantations.
Speaker B:I'm strong.
Speaker B:I'm kind.
Speaker B:I'm generous.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm playful.
Speaker B:I'm fun.
Speaker B:I'm Strong.
Speaker B:I'm a TEDx speaker.
Speaker B:Fox News, Sky TV, ABC, NBC.
Speaker B:When I speak, people listen.
Speaker B:I care.
Speaker B:I'm generous.
Speaker B:I'm fun.
Speaker B:I'm funny.
Speaker B:People love me.
Speaker B:I love people.
Speaker B:I'm an amazing human being.
Speaker B:I have loyal.
Speaker B:I'm loyal.
Speaker B:I'm reliable.
Speaker B:I'm trustworthy.
Speaker B:You know what?
Speaker B:I'm a really good person.
Speaker B:Holy people don't do that.
Speaker B:They just focus on the negative, but keep on doing those incantations.
Speaker B:And then they realize, the truth is, I am kind.
Speaker B:The truth is I'm strong.
Speaker B:The truth is I make a difference.
Speaker B:The truth is, when I speak, people listen.
Speaker B:The truth is, I am a genuine person.
Speaker B:The truth is, I care.
Speaker B:The truth is, then they realize the truth, and then they create a neural pathway which will destroy the old neural pathway.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:And I love your description as turning on the light instead of.
Speaker A:You shouldn't feel bad about that anymore.
Speaker A:You were doing the best you could.
Speaker A:It was just a mistake.
Speaker A:That's like trying to remove the darkness and by saying things which are true.
Speaker A:I am that.
Speaker A:And sometimes people, at least in my experience, object to that saying, well, I'm not good enough at that.
Speaker A:I can't really say I'm kind, because I am.
Speaker A:I try, but I'm not, you know, and they sort of parse that because they feel like they're not done improving, proving their kindness or punctuality or whatever it is.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:But doing what you just said is so.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker A:I think it's important to help people understand it's not bs.
Speaker A:You're not trying to make up stuff to create the imposter syndrome.
Speaker A:You're talking about things that are true for yourself.
Speaker A:And so you can say them with power.
Speaker A:And the more you do that, the more power they have and the truer they become, because then you more thoroughly identify with and, you know, your neural pathways get created, and then when you have choice, next hour or tomorrow, those things affect what you then choose to do next time.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that, you know, that's.
Speaker B:We start there, then we go deeper.
Speaker B:And, you know, if there could be some childhood trauma.
Speaker B:And I said, people don't use that word, trauma.
Speaker B:Every time you use it, you bring it up.
Speaker B:Just say, I had a childhood occurrence.
Speaker B:There's less emotion around an occurrence or an observation, even.
Speaker B:Observation is even better than that.
Speaker B:So the languaging, you know, we have to teach them the languaging.
Speaker B:And then, you know, they beat themselves up.
Speaker B:Oh, why am I so stupid?
Speaker B:And we teach them to ask better quality questions.
Speaker B:What in this moment could I do to enhance this person's life?
Speaker B:And then once you remove the focus from themselves and focus on other people, all the pain and suffering disappears.
Speaker A:There's two things you said that I think are so important.
Speaker A:You said, focus on language.
Speaker A:And sometimes I'll ask people, well, do you love yourself?
Speaker A:And they'll say, yeah.
Speaker A:And then I ask a different question.
Speaker A:I say, so if I was a fly on the wall and I was able to watch you all day long and hear all of your internal dialogue, everything you say would I exclaim in Glee, that is a person that loves themself.
Speaker A:And then it's like, yeah, no, okay, then what would I see?
Speaker A:What do I need to see?
Speaker A:That says, you love yourself, and I love your reframing of trauma.
Speaker A:Because every time we.
Speaker A:I mean, Shakespeare, I think if somebody said, nothing is good or bad till we make it so.
Speaker A:So if we keep labeling an incident evil, bad, wrong, trauma, painful, then we rekindle the power of that thing, I think is what you're telling me.
Speaker A:Is that right?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:You know, when people say, I.
Speaker B:I have ptsd, I have adhd, I have this.
Speaker B:I said, don't use those words.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It just intensifies that feeling.
Speaker B:Trauma, ptsd, you know, abuse, don't use those words.
Speaker A:So when that's.
Speaker A:I love those, and those are very helpful.
Speaker A:And I would encourage everybody to think about.
Speaker A:Listen to this a couple times, this part, and, and check your language and your, your energy and your intention.
Speaker A:And how are you talking to yourself?
Speaker A:How are you treating yourself?
Speaker A:Because the repetition of, of negative things creates that shame and guilt that doesn't do anybody any good.
Speaker A:It doesn't fix whatever it is you thought you did or didn't do.
Speaker A:And it doesn't let you be a light now.
Speaker A:All it does is, you know, build more darkness.
Speaker A:So that's about forgiveness, which I love.
Speaker A:And in the beginning, before we start talking, you said you help people find love, find mates as well.
Speaker A:You talked about families and individuals.
Speaker A:But you also said finding healthy and good relationships.
Speaker A:Talk about that.
Speaker A:Because there's certainly a lot of loneliness and a lot of feeling in the world that people can't find.
Speaker A:All the, you know, all the good women or all the good men are gone.
Speaker A:That sort of phrase.
Speaker A:Tell me a little bit about how that goes.
Speaker A:How do you help people change their, change that for themselves?
Speaker B:Well, the first thing I tell them is stop dating.
Speaker B:Because dating is stupid.
Speaker B:People meet someone, they, they go on a date, and then, you know, they spend two or three years and they find out they're not the right person.
Speaker B:They go on the next date, spend 6 months not the right person, and continues.
Speaker B:So, Helen, if you were to buy a car, would you research buying a car, which car to get?
Speaker B:Of course you would.
Speaker B:Yeah, but people tend to research.
Speaker B:Yeah, people spend more time researching a car than they.
Speaker B:They do on finding a partner, finding about, about the partner.
Speaker B:And they, they think, oh, this love.
Speaker B:Oh, I get on well with this person.
Speaker B:They must be the right person.
Speaker B:But they don't have a formula.
Speaker B:So people say yes to a relationship, but until it's a no.
Speaker B:It has to be.
Speaker B:It's a no until it's a yes.
Speaker B:You find out something about them.
Speaker B:And there are three criteria.
Speaker B:Any partner that you choose.
Speaker B:One, must have integrity.
Speaker B:Two, they must be loving.
Speaker B:Not transactionally, but loving to you and to other people.
Speaker B:And three, they have to be healthy.
Speaker B:Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially.
Speaker B:Most people pick.
Speaker B:People pick partners who are emotionally not healthy.
Speaker B:That's 80% of the issue.
Speaker B:But they don't do their due diligence before getting into that relationship.
Speaker B:You know, they rely on emotion to make that decision.
Speaker B:But you can't do that.
Speaker B:Instead of having a 90% fail rate, how would, would it be if you had a 90% success rate.
Speaker B:If you could go to the casino, have a 90% success rate, you're going to go to the casino.
Speaker A:They're all.
Speaker A:Casinos would be out of business, right?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Which would be a bad thing.
Speaker A:So what are those three things again?
Speaker A:The three things are what questions?
Speaker B:Integrity, which means, you know, being your word, being on time, not gossiping, not complaining, not bitching.
Speaker B:You know, just being a good person.
Speaker B:Loving, not just to you, but to everyone.
Speaker B:Loving towards your parents, your exes, the people that you meet.
Speaker B:And the third one is healthy.
Speaker B:Emotional, physical, spiritual, mental and financial.
Speaker A:Emotional.
Speaker A:You know, why do you suppose people are attracted?
Speaker A:I mean, you can tell if somebody's physically healthy, maybe not so much mentally.
Speaker A:Why do you suppose people are attracted so much to emotionally broken people?
Speaker A:Because I think that's true, that they are, and they ignore it and they pretend it'll be okay and a bunch of other reasons that they ignore that.
Speaker A:So why do you suppose that attraction is so strong?
Speaker B:It's one word.
Speaker B:They are rescuers.
Speaker B:They want to rescue someone.
Speaker B:And it's the worst thing you can do because they'll.
Speaker B:Those people will suck the energy out of you.
Speaker B:They'll destroy everything that you stand for, and they'll take the.
Speaker B:The joy out of life.
Speaker B:You don't need to rescue anyone.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:There's a particular person that person will be with.
Speaker B:It's not you.
Speaker B:You know, it's such a debilitating situation.
Speaker B:And people fall in love so easily, and they want to fall in love.
Speaker B:They have this romantic thought that I'm in love.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Speaker B:And Kellen, love is blind.
Speaker B:You know, there's.
Speaker B:There are people I know that are falling in love with absolutely the wrong person.
Speaker B:They don't see it.
Speaker B:The brothers, sisters, children see it, but they don't see it.
Speaker B:And they just blind.
Speaker B:And this is where the awareness comes in.
Speaker B:Do your due diligence and then make an informed decision whether they're the right person to be with or not.
Speaker A:How do you stay detached enough or objective enough to do some due diligence on that?
Speaker A:Because that's easy for you to say.
Speaker A:But I suspect one of the things that people either think or experience is it's hard to do some due diligence when you kind of like somebody and it's sort of developing.
Speaker A:So what do you think about.
Speaker A:How do you tell people do a little due diligence faster and a little bit more objectively?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I call it abcd.
Speaker B:Always be collecting data and write it down.
Speaker B:And don't Believe what other people are telling you.
Speaker B:So will you role play for me in a minute?
Speaker A:You bet.
Speaker A:Let's do it.
Speaker B:So imagine I.
Speaker B:I'm on a dating site.
Speaker B:On the dating site, I say, I love dogs.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:You, you know, want to get to know me, but you don't love dogs.
Speaker B:And I want you to lie to me in the questions I ask.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Hey, Kellen.
Speaker B:And do you.
Speaker B:Do you like dogs?
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:I had a friend that had a great dog.
Speaker A:Love dogs.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What's your favorite dog?
Speaker A:Well, that one my friend had was a.
Speaker A:A lab.
Speaker A:A Golden.
Speaker A:A Golden Lab.
Speaker A:That was a lot of fun.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Any photos of any dogs you've owned?
Speaker A:No, I don't.
Speaker A:Well, I've never owned a dog, but I really enjoyed that dog that my friend had.
Speaker B:Okay, so we've spoken for about a minute.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:If.
Speaker B:If you just said, oh, I love dogs, I.
Speaker B:And you know, I want to hear that, oh, my God.
Speaker B:Kenneth loves dogs.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Speaker B:But don't believe what people tell you.
Speaker B:Look for alignment.
Speaker B:Look for confirmation.
Speaker B:It doesn't have to be now.
Speaker B:It could be in a week.
Speaker B:But then write this stuff down.
Speaker B:Kellen loves dogs.
Speaker B:And then a week later, he sees you with him walking, and all of a sudden he's like this.
Speaker B:With the dog that.
Speaker B:There's a disparity there.
Speaker B:So that's data.
Speaker B:If you write it down, it takes away the emotion.
Speaker B:Because what we do, we tend to focus on the good stuff, and we forget about the bad stuff.
Speaker B:We just don't want to hear it.
Speaker A:And as soon as you get into a little bit more closer relationship, the bad stuff becomes that permanently annoying thing that you can't stand anymore.
Speaker A:And so you're on the road to failure.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And there's a cycle.
Speaker B:So what happens is that the thing that attracted you to that person, say, they're playful and you're in that relationship.
Speaker B:They're not integrous, they're not loving, they're not healthy, but they're playful.
Speaker B:And then when they're playful, it draws you in and you think, wow, you know, he's so playful.
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker B:And all the other stuff disappears.
Speaker B:And that's what draws people in and keeps them in a relationship.
Speaker A:So they focus.
Speaker A:What you're saying is we.
Speaker A:We, to our own detriment, focus on a single one or two things that are very attractive and ignore the long list of, or even medium list of things that are essentially like, if I was going to buy a house, I'd have a list of Non negotiables.
Speaker A:Based on how many people I've got, you know, it's got to have this many rooms, bedroom got to be no further than this.
Speaker A:That non negotiables.
Speaker A:And I don't care how cool the house was, if it was didn't meet one of those, that was really non negotiable, I just wouldn't buy it because.
Speaker A:And so you're saying at least have some set of things that are really important to you and then always be collecting data to see if there's compatibility in those areas.
Speaker B:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker B:And say, you know, you find a house you want to buy and you need to sell your house, you clean it up.
Speaker B:You wouldn't just sell it.
Speaker B:And that's what I tell people.
Speaker B:Look before you, before I help you find a partner, we have to work on you first because we want to make you more attractive, change your vibrational energy, let go of the past so that when you do show up, it's just going to be a lot easier because if we don't get rid of that baggage, that's a problem with dating sites and matchmaking.
Speaker B:You can bring two people together, but if they've got the baggage already there, you have to remove the baggage first.
Speaker A:So I love that.
Speaker A:Let me ask you, is that your first area of focus is to find out what, where a person like me, if I came to you to find a date, a maid or something or someone have a relationship with, and you discover that I'm not a person of integrity because of my behavior or whatever, or I'm not a loving person because of how I talk to people, or there is clearly one or more areas where my health is questionable, you know, mental or emotional health.
Speaker A:That's where you start working get me so that I become an attractive person because I have integrity, lovingness and health in those areas.
Speaker B:I start with doing a deep audit of all their past relationships.
Speaker B:And I showed them, look, there's a pattern here.
Speaker B:There's a pattern.
Speaker B:This is why you're choosing them and this is why it doesn't work.
Speaker B:And you know, because, you know, often I ask people to do a back test on integrity, loving and healthy, and they all say, yeah, they had integrity, they're loving the healthy.
Speaker B:Then I said, hey, were they always on time?
Speaker B:Did they always do what they said they were going to do?
Speaker B:Did they complain about other people?
Speaker B:Were they miserable?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, they were then said, well, you know, that's out of integrity.
Speaker B:It's not loving.
Speaker B:And then, you know, did, did they, did they lie about their health.
Speaker B:Were they on medications and didn't tell you?
Speaker B:And did they.
Speaker B:Were they in constant contact with past relationships?
Speaker B:Were they not able to let go of the past relationships?
Speaker B:Yeah, but then they think they could fix it.
Speaker B:But I say, look, that's not healthy, it's not integral, it's not loving.
Speaker B:And then all of a sudden they say, yeah, you know what?
Speaker B:I, I just jumped to those conclusions.
Speaker B:But they've never been trained.
Speaker A:I love the fact that you said there were rescuers.
Speaker A:And we all have this feeling, either a little or a lot, that we like helping people.
Speaker A:You know, we're drawn to help.
Speaker A:We're built literally, physically, spiritually to love and serve.
Speaker A:So that's how we're created.
Speaker A:And sometimes we do it from a really crappy place, and when we learn a little more, we do it from a more healthy and better place.
Speaker A:But that rescuer thing gets in there and thinking, somehow someone's going to change, or I can change them.
Speaker A:These things that don't tick those boxes, that's a.
Speaker A:Not only a red flag, but nearly impossible.
Speaker A:You can't rescue somebody that doesn't want to be rescued.
Speaker B:And there's a kicker here.
Speaker B:When people try and rescue other people, they feel because they've rescued them, they will never leave them.
Speaker A:Oh, wow.
Speaker B:It's, it's a, it's, you know, it's self indulgent because if, if I rescue my partner, I think, oh, if I rescue her, she's never going to leave me.
Speaker B:I've got a.
Speaker B:I've got a partner for life.
Speaker B:And it's so not true.
Speaker A:Yeah, that can be really unhealthy too, because you develop a sense of dependency and that can turn into codependency really easy and some other, some other messy stuff that stifles freedom and creativity.
Speaker A:And now that I'm rescued, I finally figured out who the heck I am.
Speaker A:And thank you very much.
Speaker A:And this is what I want to do over here.
Speaker A:You know, I don't even know goodbye.
Speaker A:If I just say I want to do this over here, and then you're going, wait a minute.
Speaker A:That doesn't tick any of my boxes.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:Yeah, it's so frustrating.
Speaker A:Well, so you are very, very experienced.
Speaker A:You didn't fall up this mountain.
Speaker A:How did you get here?
Speaker A:How did.
Speaker A:Tell me something about how you got to be the place where intuitively you know these questions, you know this process, and you are the love doctor.
Speaker A:Tell me a little bit about how that happened.
Speaker B:I used to be an optometrist.
Speaker B:I'd had patients coming into my office, and at the end of the exam, they.
Speaker B:For some reason, they would tell me their problems.
Speaker B:And I'd say, why don't you try this?
Speaker B:And they tried it, and they said, that's amazing.
Speaker B:It worked.
Speaker B:And I looked at them, I said, of course it's amazing.
Speaker B:Of course it worked.
Speaker B:It's common sense.
Speaker B:But Kel.
Speaker B:And I didn't realize common sense wasn't that common.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker B:Then the big epiphany came.
Speaker B: In: Speaker B:I wouldn't eat with a knife.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:I wouldn't walk up a flight of stairs.
Speaker B:I keep away from main roads, high rise buildings.
Speaker B:And I had to come to tell my wife.
Speaker B:I said, honey, something really bad has happened.
Speaker B:She said, what is it that.
Speaker B:Honey, we.
Speaker B:You know, I've been gambling on the stock market, real estate.
Speaker B:I've lost, you know, all our funds, the school funds, the car, the house was.
Speaker B:It's all going to go.
Speaker B:And Kellen, she looked up at me and she smiled.
Speaker B:And I thought, she's delusional.
Speaker B:What's wrong with her?
Speaker B:Said, honey, I knew something was wrong.
Speaker B:I thought it was something serious.
Speaker B:What do you mean?
Speaker B:This is serious.
Speaker B:There's nothing more serious than this.
Speaker B:I said.
Speaker B:She said, no.
Speaker B:Honey, I thought you were dying.
Speaker B:I thought you had cancer.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:Honey, I don't care about the money.
Speaker A:What?
Speaker B:I thought that's what you wanted.
Speaker B:Honey, I've never.
Speaker B:When have I ever asked you for money?
Speaker B:Kellen, that changed my entire life.
Speaker B:And then she said, we don't care about that as long as we're with you.
Speaker A:Yeah, that.
Speaker A:Keep going.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I thought, oh, life would be better without me, but it was a stupid thing.
Speaker B:But, you know, if you have a partner, ask your partner, what is it you want?
Speaker B:And you'll be surprised what they'll tell you.
Speaker A:Well, that's powerful advice and thank you for sharing that.
Speaker A:And I don't know your wife.
Speaker A:I don't believe I've had the opportunity to meet her when we met, but I thank her, and when we're done, you need to tell your wife for me that I love her.
Speaker B:I will.
Speaker A:Will you do that?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:Because I love her.
Speaker A:What a woman.
Speaker A:Okay, so what didn't I ask you?
Speaker A:What didn't I ask you to talk about?
Speaker A:And there's a whole lot more to that story.
Speaker A:I mean, that was a pivotal event, but there's lots what led up to it and what happened afterwards.
Speaker A:But we're not going to take time for that right now.
Speaker A:I want you to just tell me what?
Speaker A:Didn't I ask you that you want to tell us?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:If you'd have asked me what's one thing that people could do that would change their destiny, I'd have said be so amazing that you cannot be ignored.
Speaker B:And if you're ignored, it doesn't matter because you're showing up the best version of yourself.
Speaker B:The most people are leading mediocre lives, they die at 25 and get buried at 75.
Speaker B:Just do.
Speaker B:Just be the best version of you.
Speaker B:And I promise you your life will change and the people's lives around you will change.
Speaker A:I call that we live in a sea of learned helplessness, addiction to mediocrity and victim mindset.
Speaker A:And that's the unholy trinity of attitudes.
Speaker A:That is that.
Speaker A:And we die at 25 and get buried at 75.
Speaker A:Excuse me.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker A:Do you have another thing that you want to say that I love that one.
Speaker A:You have another one?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Just.
Speaker B:Just perform acts of kindness.
Speaker B:When you perform an act of kindness, you receive endorphins.
Speaker B:You feel good.
Speaker B:The person receiving the act of kindness feels into all things.
Speaker B:They feel good.
Speaker B:The person observing the the act of kindness feels good.
Speaker B:The person sharing the act of kindness feels good.
Speaker B:The person sharing, receiving the sharing of the act of kindness feels good.
Speaker B:It goes on and on and on.
Speaker B:Just get out of your own life is not about you.
Speaker B:You're not that important.
Speaker B:But your impact is.
Speaker B:Don't make a difference.
Speaker A:I love that and thank you.
Speaker A:So if people want to know more, if they want to find you, they want to follow you, if they want to hear some videos of you teaching or performing miracles, because I can tell you, I can tell my audience, I know that if you do the things that he's described or follow and learn more, he creates miracles, things that people can't understand in their own lives.
Speaker A:I know that.
Speaker A:And I know it because of what I know about him and who he is.
Speaker A:And I know it because of the truth that he's taught us today.
Speaker A:So where can people find you?
Speaker B:And my website is meetanil.com I'm known as the Love Doctor.
Speaker B:And there's a lot of free content that you can use and, you know, just use it in your personal life and your life will change.
Speaker B:Share it with other people.
Speaker B:Because we all have a duty to be the best versions of ourselves.
Speaker B:Meet anil.com Meet anil.
Speaker A:Spelled a nil.
Speaker A:And if you're watching the video, it's on the board behind him.
Speaker A:If you're listening to the audio meet anil a nil.com meet anil.com I would absolutely recommend that you go there.
Speaker A:Anil, thank you for sharing your heart, for loving us enough to help us love ourselves and to be truthful and to live in integrity and to be healthy and to be.
Speaker A:Excuse me, the third one in the middle was.
Speaker B:Loving.
Speaker A:Loving, of course, the main topic, integrity, loving and healthy.
Speaker A:And take care of yourself because if you're not that, then there's big opportunity for happiness as you handle those things and grow.
Speaker A:Thanks for being here with us today.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:Anil, I'm thanking you.
Speaker B:Oh, sorry.
Speaker B:Sorry.
Speaker B:I thought you were closing up.
Speaker B:No, no, thank you.
Speaker B:Thank you for inviting me.
Speaker A:You are delightfully welcome.
Speaker A:And I don't edit anything, so that'll be on there too.
Speaker A:That's fine.
Speaker B:Okay, perfect.
Speaker A:Now I'm talking to the listeners and I want you to listen to this a couple times.
Speaker A:This man comes from the heart.
Speaker A:He's teaching truth from his own experience, the profound thing he shared.
Speaker A:And there are more stories than that, but the profundity of learning to love yourself and tell the truth to yourself about your greatness and your opportunity and get healthy, get the help you need to get healthy.
Speaker A:If you're not in all those areas that he said, that will allow you, truthfully, from this moment onward, to move toward your ultimate life right here, right now.
Speaker A:Your opportunity for massive growth is right in front of you.
Speaker A:Every episode gives you practical tips and practices that will change everything.
Speaker A:If you want to know more, go to kellenflukermedia.com if you want more free tools, go here YourUltimateLife CA Subscribe Share.
Speaker B:Be.
